Indoctrination makes me sad.

I have a much young sister, who just turned eight. My parents are raising her Catholic, as is to be expected, complete with CCD. As she is so young, my parents have asked me not to say that I am atheist, or talk about what the means, as not only is she young (and immature for her age), she also has OCD tendencies that would make this a bit harder for her to bear, as she is high strung to the point that anything outside of her status quo highly upsets her. As they are her parents, as well as mine, I have been more than happy to respect their wishes. I do not really talk about my "faith" to others very often as it is, it's a private thing and so on.

However, my sister has recently been making this harder to do. Ever highly observant, she has realized that I never go to Church when I am in town. I sit at home, sometimes claiming that I am ill, sometimes just glossing it over and staying out of sight before they leave. My parents assist in these ruses by either collaborating that I am ill or that I need to stay home to do some important task or another.

While I do not like the idea of lying to a child, this instance I can somewhat excuse, as I do not think she could understand why I do not attend Church. I don't know if she could even understand the idea of "not believing in God." She is also impressionable, so there is also the point that my parents want her to be impressed in the direction of their beliefs, which is their right as her parents. My parents' brand of Catholicism is not horrible, even if it didn't satisfy me, so there are worse faiths for her to be indoctrinated into.

This whole long screed is to give some background into an incident that happened this past weekend.

We were eating out, having a decent dinner, when my sister turned to me, and said, "Sister, do you go to Church?"

I paused, unsure of exactly what to say. I knew that my sister was too young to understand my reasons, too young to separate religion, belief, and going to Church, and that it certainly wasn't the time and place to try to explain things to her. So, I said, "occasionally," which isn't as large a lie as just saying, "yes."

My sister then repeated a long speech, obviously something she had been told rather than something she had thought up herself, where she informed me that if I didn't go to Church, I hated God. Since I only went sometimes, it simply meant that I disliked God, or that it was okay but I should go more often (she wasn't too clear on this point, making it more obvious that she was repeating some nonsense someone else had taught her, as whenever she repeats herself and gets sentences confused, she's trying to reproduce someone else's thoughts).

As you might imagine, this was rather uncomfortable. My parents had this blank look on their faces, and I knew this wasn't their style, so it was almost obvious where she had picked this up. At her religious education class.

This hating God nonsense was a form of emotional blackmail her teachers presented my sister with. I was appalled. I understand where it came from, as it was an easy way to rationalize with children why they should go to Church, as children being raised as believers naturally channel some of that blind, sweet love they give to those they care for into God. They are taught to believe in and love God, and many of them likely do it wholeheartedly. My sister is very big on loving people she cares about (she says "I love you" to her family quite often, and writes it on every picture and card she gives as gifts), so she likely is more than happy to love God, too. As she loves God, she goes to Church.

While it's an easy way to guilt children into going to Church and sitting through it, it is still horrible beyond its face value. There are plenty of people who do not attend Church, and I doubt many of them do it because they hate God and want to spite him. But, beyond the obvious logical flaws and horrible squick factor of that statement, it also teaches children some harmful untruths about nonbelievers. Anyone who isn't Christian, who doesn't attend Church faithfully, who doesn't believe in God does it because they hate God, not because of any rational decision. That idea of willfully turning one's back on God, rather that just not believing, is born from this "hating God" crap. It undermines the decisions of people who choose a different path or just do not believe in God. By this logic, I hate God. I don't, obviously, because I believe He doesn't exist.

I had always wondered, somewhat, where these ideas used to discredit me, pity me, and dodge my points (poor baby, hating God, he loves you! Why do you hate him?) came from. I always thought it came from only fundies, who obviously exchanged notes and came to these silly conclusions. I was just sad to see it in the Catholic Church, being spread to children, especially when it was obviously something my parents didn't endorse.

I was too shocked at the time to say anything (and I knew it was useless to reason with her on this), but I really hope my parents have some sort of talk with her. I just don't want her faith to grow along those lines. I don't need a fundie little sister, thanks, especially as in a few years, my husband and I will end up being her legal guardians in the event of an accident involving the deaths of our parents.

It's just saddens me to see what some people do with the impressionable, naturally loving, minds of children.

A bit of background.

Something very interesting about this atheist, I feel, is that in a roleplaying environment, I tend to gravitate towards clerics and paladins, and other healer characters, especially spiritual ones. You know, religious people. My favorite latex sword in the world, is that of the Templar.

And yet, in real life, I am firmly an atheist, and have been for over seven years, a full third of my short life.

It seems rather paradoxical, does it not? Some people may even say that my gravitational pull towards these sorts of characters could be taken as a sign that I really am religious and believe in a god, but refuse to admit it consciously.

Of course, I heartily disagree. For one, in these systems, clerics and paladins have solid proof that their deity exists. He or She grants them powers, appears to the strongest of them, and is easily observable in certain aspects of the universe. These people feel the presence of their gods. They can occasionally converse with them. The gods also do not necessarily create the world or do anything more proactive than grant powers to their very devout. But people know they are there.

This may be a good time to branch off a bit into my own history.

As a child growing up Roman Catholic, I never, ever, felt the presence of the God I was supposed to be worshiping. It all felt so hollow and unfulfilling, even as a pre-teen, like it was just a boring one hour show we had to sit through just because we were told that was the correct way of things. It was never a big deal to me, and in middle school, I tried very, very hard to be a good Catholic to see if the shortcoming was on my end rather than on Catholicism's. There were even times I convinced myself I was "lucky" that I had been born into a Catholic family and could then follow the "correct religion."

But, I can remember back to times that even as a child, Catholicism had shortcomings for me. Shortcomings I had to fill in myself. Evolution and science, for example. In middle school, we had a talk with a priest about evolution and how it related to God. I piped up with the badly phrased idea, "What if God just made a mistake and molded humans from apes to correct it?" The priest, of course, simply answered, "God never makes mistakes."

I hadn't quite expressed things properly, but I had come to the conclusion I hear from many Christians that have thought about the world's origins seriously, "No one knows how long a 'day' is to God. Nor do we know how a world is created. God could simply have guided creation through the process of evolution." The exceptionally thoughtful simply express that Genesis and the entire Bible are full of allegory that was meant to make sense to people over 2,000 years ago. Of course some oversimplification of the world's origins would need to be in order. The most important part of the tale is that God created the world, or at least had a heavy hand in its creation.

The other thing that had always bothered me about my faith as a child can be summed up in the phrase "Gandhi went to hell because he wasn't Christian." This was, of course, always followed up with, "but, it is a very mild level because he was a good person."

This had always seemed very, very unfair to me as a child. Though my parents were, and still are, Catholics that go to Church every Sunday and holy day and send my young sister to CCD, they always encouraged me to think for myself and never tried to force any ideas upon me. They wanted me to be an independent thinker, and in many ways they have succeeded, to an extent that must displease my mother on occasion. They tried their best to give me the most honest answers they could. In a lot of respects, they are pragmatic, even liberal, Catholics (my mother is pro-choice and strongly feminist, which surprised me when I found out a month ago).

But, I came up with the thought that "if you lead a good life, and follow your native religion well, God will let you into heaven." Already, at the age of eleven, I had come up with a more fair god than that of most fundamentalists. I could not concept an angry, spiteful God. I also had the thought in the back in my mind that we had no assurance that the Christian god was necessarily the correct one, and occasionally I believed that every religion was worshiping the same God in different, culturally appropriate manners. This is the crux of the other, dare I say it, intelligent, thoughtful believer's conditions: "you are held accountable for what you know."

It always seemed rather conceited to be so sure that our way was necessarily the correct, and only way to salvation. We have no real way to know, after all. The fact that anyone that thinks long and hard enough about the faith has to come up with these hedges is rather telling to me. And the fact that these hedges are often rejected by more fundamental believers is troubling.

I know there are many contradictions, double standards, and evidence of an unfair, petty OT God in the Bible, but those are things I did not find out or fully explore until I was solidly an atheist. The main thing that pushed me towards atheism was a lack of feeling in what I was professing. I swallowed the indoctrination wholeheartedly, as I have always been a people pleaser, but even that eroded away as I thought more and more about what I was taught and how it just did not feel correct for me or make sense in the world I saw before my eyes.

In many ways, I officially became an atheist because of a very horrible reason: peer pressure. My brand-new best friend in high school was an atheist, and we had a discussion about it. I ended up fully realizing that I really wasn't Catholic after all, and that I didn't feel a God in Church because he wasn't there. And that it only made sense that humanity came up with various religions to explain the unexplainable, give their lives a purpose, and feel better about death by creating an afterlife. I also felt that it wasn't fair that I went to Church, because my presence as someone who didn't believe, couldn't believe (because I had tried so hard) seemed unfair to the faithful.

Well, to be fair to my integrity, it is arguable whether or not she really influenced me that much. I have always been an open-minded individual, something I like about myself, but I also feel is problematic because I can feel very inconsistent as my opinion can change completely after hearing a good argument. I would make a horrible politician, as I could easily be called out as a "weeble-wobbler" on some issues. In a lot of ways, that conversation with Meg simply called attention to my lack of belief and made me confront it directly with good arguments. As I have continued along in life, that conviction has only become stronger.

An anthropology class my Junior year of high school validated me in my own mind, as well. We talked about religion, and how it is something created by society to deal with death, misfortune, and the unexplainable. It was nice to hear something I had thought of to partially justify myself pointed out as social science fact. Why can we, as a culture, discount an older religion as a comforting fantasy, but accept Christianity as viable and true? Would it not make more sense to lump all religions like this? Or that all religions were different ways of exploring the same truth? For sure, an older one must have a much larger claim to fact, if God was a constant in the universe. It seemed a vital logical flaw to me.

I have no issues with faith, however. There are always people that need it, so to speak, have been raised to need it. We have a part in our brain that houses our spiritual side. People with strong convictions have respect from me. In many cases, religion also provides guidance to people. It houses philosophies and ideas that can sometimes be used to live a better life. Buddhism is a great example of this.

I do pity my poor parents during this period. I came out to them, so to speak, in a very snotty manner when I was fourteen. I was talking with my mother, and said "well, I have something to tell you when I turn eighteen," as I had full knowledge of the house rules. I was a smug little thing, too, it is a wonder she put up with me. I eventually told her, I think she hit me, then went off to her room to cry. Enter a few years of religious tracts on my bed, forced Church attendance, and attempts to send me to high school CCD that I ended up skipping with an old friend from middle school. When I reached eighteen, Church stopped, as did any attempt to convert me.

Later, my mother told me she was disappointed (gah!), but it was really the way I had told her that upset her so much. I really can sympathize with that, as I was a gigantic brat at the time!

My parents are currently simply proud of me, and likely hope that I turn back to the Church at some point (my father's opinion on the matter was that my mother and he shifted Churches before they settled on Catholicism. I am simply going on my other spiritual odyssey before settling on something). While that unvoiced hope that I'll convert, the background worry for my soul, and the like are not things I appreciate, they have accepted things as much as they can, and we do not discuss these things in the house. I know that I am very lucky to have parents that will let it lie and love me very much regardless.

The most I ever heard from relatives about the topic was my grandmother sending me a book about spirituality, obviously geared towards Christianity, and that was it. I do not think my paternal grandfather knows, and I don't know how much of my family really knows. However, I do not really think the majority of them would mind that much. I have a family of partially lapsed Christians, liberals, and unconditional love. I'm very happy that I am lucky enough to not have a fundie in my immediate family.

After meeting my fiancé, and talking with him, I came to the realization that spirituality was possible in my godless existence, and was, in fact, something I wanted to explore. This is a part of my life that I have been neglecting, but I am of the firm belief that there are parts of the universe we don't understand yet, but can understand someday. Humans are a curious species, and I have no doubt that eventually we'll get all of this down.

Not believing in a god does not preclude spirituality. I can still have a "spiritual experience" when I see the pure beauty of the world that we live upon. Nara's Temple Complex. The Appalachian Mountains. The Eagle Nebula. All have spurred within me feelings of awe and appreciation. There are many things we can't explain yet with science. If I explore those, through meditation or what have you, I'm feeding my curious, spiritual side.

I do not make leaps of faith. I am not equipped to have blind faith; I do not believe in anything I cannot experience or observe. But, I am spiritual in my own way, and willing to accept that there are things we have yet to learn the answers to and that there are other ways to explore existence. Just not through "God." Above all, I am not a follower of any organized religion. Spiritual needs are unique from person to person, and the best spiritual journeys are the ones you make yourself at your own pace, whatever the conclusions. Organized religion usually breeds trouble eventually, as well as hampers spiritual growth in many individuals as most organized religions do not like their believers to ask questions or explore past the party line of set beliefs.

There is a fantastic discussion on spirituality here by Kadath on Livejournal. This is very close to how I feel, but my methodology is a little different, as I stubbornly explore some of the supernatural bits in a vaguely supernatural way as I know they have a rational explanation somewhere. To completely discount something because it is supernatural in nature is somewhat silly to me. After all, before we understand an idea it can appear much like magic or the supernatural. The most popular examples of this involve exposing great thinkers of the past to modern technology. While technology is man made, there is a lot of thought that much of the natural world and natural phenomenon were, in the past, explained by divine or supernatural origins (hence religion and folk belief). It is what humanity instinctively jumps to in the face of incomprehension. While a lot of "supernatural experiences" are bunk, I'm not going to discount all of them without research. But, that is neither here nor there.

Now, obviously, I do not believe in a higher power that mets out a purpose to us all. An afterlife is most likely a fantasy we invent because we are afraid of death and its unknowns. We have to make our purpose for ourselves as we scramble through existence. To believe otherwise, or that God lets us make scientific discoveries, or gives us a talent, belittles our existence. The fact that we are out here on our own and that we have achieved so much is one of the great wonders of our universe.

As Discworld's Death said, "Humans make life interesting. After all, in the face of all of the wonders of the universe, they invented boredom."

To return to the Templar/religious character discussion, these characters are strong moral people who are honestly doing good and service in their deity's name. A Templar was also regarded as a defender of the faith (though originally they were just a religious military unit in the Crusades).

I am a person high moral integrity. I do not service the community as much as I should, but I do what I do for the benefit of others as well as myself. I often think of others before myself. I have never embodied the "immoral atheist" stereotype. In fact, I believe that the thought process that God is necessary to the functionality of humanity is rather insulting to humanity! (It is also a lesser form of morality than creating and following laws for the good of society, but this is not the place to discuss this).

I love characters of high integrity and faith. In a setting where the gods are known to exist, I would of course be a believer. I would have no issues serving a real, present god. It's just that these fantasy worlds are the only place gods are real. And the gods never stand in the way of progress, learning or anything else unless they are evil. It is a place where good is good, neutral is neutral, and evil is evil. Evil gods do not masquerade as good entities. These are deities that I could see following, as they are upfront and honest in their classification.

The deity keeps worship of it more regulated, so to speak. While tenants do have the tendency to be warped, there is more interaction between deity and believer/the establishment, so there is a higher tendency towards quality control and consistency. Good gods do not commit atrocities in their name, unlike the OT version of God, nor do they tend towards some sort of irrational dictatorship style of religion. While a nonbeliever does not receive powers from a deity, if a person lives a good life, his or her lack of belief does not rob them of a good afterlife when they die. Evil is punished uniformly if repentance is neither sought nor genuine.There is far less, if any, contradiction.

And lastly, the gods in these environments are consistent. They do not personally interfere in matters unless the problem is a large one, and is something that they would normally find a reason to be proactive about. Otherwise, they stay hands off for the most part. This is not a world where God heals a sore throat, but ignores the prayers of people suffering in wars and poverty.

To me, clerics and paladins mesh best with the great, stubborn strength, goodness, and service that I want to play on occasion. The Greater Good, and all of that. You could even say that I endeavor to serve the Greater Good in my actual existence, and am saddened that few people do so in our leadership. I like to explore things that I feasibly cannot experience in my life, as well. I am not saddened by my lack of faith, in fact my beliefs make me very contented, but it is fun to explore how it affects a character. I know that people do not need religion to be strong, good, or strong, but I like the interplay... and the spells involved.

I'm drawn to the strong conviction of these characters, something I feel in many parts of my life.

Now, I refuse to go as far to say I'm a defender of science and my lack of faith. I am rather outspoken when pushed, and make no apologies for what I believe (or for my lack of belief). However, I'm not militant, unless my rights are in danger and people make some horrible assumptions. I'm really just eternally curious and wishing for fair play. I'm not sure where I am going with the end of this incredibly long spiel, so let's just go with I fell in love with a sword and a character style because the realm of fantasy is the only place they are viable. :)

I predict a mess.

I have five million of these things laying around on differing sites. I find that each blog site has a different feel to it. Livejournal, for example, feels like a fandom place where my posts tend to be prosaic, numerous at times, silly, and generally lacking in real substance. It just seems like a less serious, more community-oriented, and, dare I say it, juvenile place. I have no idea why, but I seem to attribute those sorts of feelings to it, and it certainly reflects itself in my writings.

Journalfen, on the other hand, feels like a more adult version of Livejournal, which makes sense as it is an over-eighteen site. It's the more creative place, in a way, but more in a fandom sense, and it is definitely a small place that is very related to Fandom Wank, which I love but have a hard time participating in.

Which brings me to Blogger. Blogger was actually my first blogging site. Then, my friends and I used publishing software on our own domains and livejournals. But, even though I cannot remember the URL to save my life, I know that Blogger was where I started. It seems to have a much more adult, articulate population. And so, it ends up feeling as such.

I have determined that I wish to work on my writing, and have decided to do so here.

Where you write has a huge impact on what you produce, I feel. What word processing program you use, if you use one, what paper, where you sit, if you use a laptop: all of these things have always made a very large difference to me regarding the ease of the writing experience and the quality of the finished product. While I can do creative things on other sites, my actual sense of personal expression seems to suffer. Even sitting here in front of the text window, the thoughts that came to my mind were more succinct and, well, adult.

And hopefully, I can actually work on that style teachers told me had potential in middle school, and make it into something enjoyable. I also need to get out more in the sense of the issues I like to talk about. I need to find more things online to read so as to keep updated and interesting. Hah.

Wish me luck!